the best of us can find happiness in misery

Reblog | 5 days ago

i hate this house. the people in it upset me. they treat each other badly. we all sit in separate bedrooms and don’t communicate, and when we do we yell and scream at each other. i hate all the old broken furniture and all the old memories that come with it. i hate how not only the furniture is broken, but our family feels broken with it. you don’t even act like a real mom anymore.. you go out to bars like you’re 25 and you don’t care about your son smoking pot in his bedroom and your daughter throwing wild parties in the basement, both underage, as i may add. you randomly throw 20 bucks at us to order pizza, because a home cooked meal means nothing to you. you’re always gone on saturdays, with him. you use long weekends like memorial day to go on vacation, but im never invited. obviously you went to the place i’ve been asking you to take me for literally the last three years. but you don’t even feel bad about it. you act like a bitter bitch all the time unless you need a favor. you’re like an annoying 15 year old girl. i wish you would just grow up already. because frankly, im supposed to be the wild one, going to bars, spending money like crazy and staying out way too late even though i have work the next morning. god, get your shit together. & suddenly i feel bad for you. i mean, granted, i guess you’ve lived a pretty shitty life till right now. you got married young and traveled to a new country. upon weeks of being here, the love of your life dies of sudden cancer. you’re left alone and heartbroken in a country where you know no one, have no one and dont even know the language. you meet this douchebag and you “fall in love with him.” your broken heart just needed the attention way too bad. so yes, i feel bad for you and i want to cut you some slack. i want to accept the new you. i want to respect you. but i just can’t. my life, all 19 years of it have been pretty shitty. and i really don’t know if i can forgive you for all your mistakes. as i lay here, in your bed next to, i just.. don’t like you.. and you annoy me and i wish it wasn’t this way. i will probably blame you for your mistakes for the rest of our lives. your mistakes that have caused me distress and pain and agony and literally make me feel like a crazy person. your mistakes have caused events to take place that have affected my life. events that i will never get over or recover from. and i wonder, i wonder if you feel bad ? if you know that i am hurting on the inside? or that i will never get over it? or forget… or move on.. ? or that i literally think about it everyday and that i can’t get it out of my head no wonder how hard i try? they are like, invasive thoughts. i don’t know how to describe it. it’s like, everything is going ok, and im just having a normal day, then i get these flashbacks & i relive the horrible events all over again. i try to come out of it, feels kind of like im drowning. but it plays on, like a broken tape recorder or something. idk. maybe i’m going crazy. in fact, i know i’m crazy. to make matters worse, i’m a science person. i know the symptoms associated with the traumatic events i went through. sometimes i think, if i learn enough or research enough about how people like me deal with what i went through, i can stop myself from reacting the same way. but i can’t. i have been trying to suppress the depression for quite some time now, maybe 2 years, & it was probably the worst thing i could have done. but i can feel the depression sneaking up on me. the pain coming and washing over me, like a big ocean wave. it comes at random times. and once the pain starts i can’t make it stop. until it passes. like a summer storm. sometimes i cry alone in my room. i dont really want anyone to know that it hurts. then i feel weak. and every time, i blame you. i don’t want to. but i mean, who else should i blame. perhaps blaming my 9 year old self would be better.. i hope that one day. i can get better and one day, maybe you can care enough to ask me how you feel. but i won’t wait. because i know you won’t because i know you probably think i’m over it. but i’m not. i can’t. i don’t know how. you didn’t give me the love, the support or the help to do that. your mistakes just continue. and they hurt me. in ways that i can’t recover. i need to be far far away from here. far from the broken furniture and the broken family. somewhere i can recreate myself, where people don’t know what happened. far away from you, who causes my pain and suffering. i just want to be at peace. peace with myself and peace with the people around me. but not the fake kind of peace that me and you have. you know, the one where we smile and laugh and occasionally talk because we are too tired to argue. i want real peace. and i want freedom from my past. i wonder if i will ever get there..